The Guilt of Having a Second Child
As I sat down to enjoy lunch with my toddler after finally getting her 2-week-old sister to sleep, the baby promptly woke up screaming with a painful bout of gas and then had a huge diaper blowout. As I rushed off to clean her, I looked over and saw my toddler quietly eating alone, looking down at her plate. She clearly was feeling left out and my heart shattered.
When we had our second baby, I was prepared to feel physically exhausted as I balanced the needs of my newborn and my two-year-old. I expected jealousy from my toddler and was ready for her to act out. But what caught me off guard was the all-consuming guilt of having to split my attention between my toddler and my newborn.
I, like every mom, am no stranger to feeling guilty. But the guilt that came with having a second baby was brutal. I felt horrible for not being there for my toddler the way I used to be. She would get upset that I couldn’t cuddle with her while I fed the baby and she got frustrated when I constantly had to say “in a minute” in response to every request she had. I felt like I was letting my toddler down. I was also exhausted and just didn’t have the energy for playing and having fun like I used to.
When other people stepped in to help after we brought the baby home, they often were taking care of my toddler so I could focus on the baby. As a result, I found myself taking my toddler to the park less, missing out on simple everyday tasks like brushing her teeth or changing her diaper, and no longer rocking her to sleep before bedtime. Because I chose to exclusively breastfeed my newborn, I felt especially trapped in this situation. I could not delegate feeding my baby, who was eating 12+ times a day.
In addition to the guilt, I really missed my toddler. I felt constant pangs of disappointment as she headed off on adventures with my husband while I stayed home to feed the baby and get her down for a nap. I missed how my daughter and I interacted before the baby arrived. I mourned the loss of our three-person family.
I reached out to several friends when I was having an especially hard day and I got some much-needed advice that helped me turn things around.
Give It Time
My friends all told me that I would start to feel comfortable splitting my time between two kids and to just wait it out. The new normal would sink in and I would get better and bonding with my toddler while taking care of the newborn. I needed to give myself time to learn this new skill.
Sure enough, by about 8 weeks I realized I had gone a whole day without feeling guilty about splitting my attention between my kids. I finally had more energy, we were getting out of the house more, and we were doing more things together as a family. I was spending less time breastfeeding and more time playing on the floor with my toddler. I simply needed to wait the bad feelings out.
Make Breastfeeding a Time to Still Bond with Your Older Child
I kept a basket of toys and books near each place I typically breastfed. Whenever I sat down to feed the baby, I would clear out a space for my toddler right next to me and have games and puzzles that we could do together. Now when I sit down to breastfeed, she usually comes right up next to me on the couch ready to play. It has become a special time for me to bond with each of my kids, instead of just the baby.
Involve Your Older Child in Baby Care
My friends encouraged me to invite my toddler to join me when I changed the baby’s diaper, got her dressed, or bathed her. If my toddler showed interest in helping, I gave her simple tasks that helped her connect with her sister and not feel left out. Seeing her joy in feeling she was a key part of these tasks helped to ease my guilt significantly. I watched her blossom as a sister and witness the richness her sister added to her life. It added a new dimension to the way each of us connected.
Now that I am 16 weeks postpartum, I have almost forgotten we ever had a life before being a family of four. I feel fully connected to my toddler again, and the guilt of splitting my time between two kids is rarely felt. There are still moments my daughter tells me to “move that baby” and hold her. Most of the time, I can grant that wish. But even when I can’t I still remind myself I am doing a great job.
In my last few weeks of pregnancy (the part where people would look at me and say “oof”) I took to asking moms of multiple kids for advice.
I was at the park with my big boy and chatting (distanced, masked, outdoors) with a nice grandmother. Her advice was “at some point both of your kids will be crying. In that moment, soothe the toddler. The baby won’t know that you took an extra minute, but your oldest will know you picked the baby over him.”
Lo and behold, I was in this exact scenario at about 2 weeks pp in the middle of the night and her advice popped into my head. I was so thankful for that clarity in that moment.
Thank you for this post! It’s incredibly relatable, as my second baby girl turns one month old. I am feeling ALL of this, but most of all missing my toddler and the connection we had. It is so encouraging and comforting to know you’re feeling that again. 🤍
Thank you for sharing. I teared up reading. I’m pregnant with my second (due in May) and my daughter turns 3 in June. I know it’ll be a juggle to be attentive to them both and your article gives me hope ❤️
Same here! Crying while reading, pregnant with my second which is due on July and my boy will be 3 on August. The second I got pregnant I started feeling guilt because everything would change for my wonderful boy.
We are all doing our best! Sharing helps!
I’m not pregnant currently. And I only have my 15mo, but those anticipated feelings of guilt is part of what’s kept me from being ready for another. I’m so scared of making daughter feel like she has lost me, or like I have lost her since I know she will be cared for by others while I tend a new baby. This article means so much to know I’m not alone in those feelings, and to know that even though the guilt will come it also won’t last forever. Thank you so much for sharing 😇
That’s my situation, too. If I have another pregnancy, I can probably expect gestational diabetes again, so my toddler has to be ready to take a walk with me after every meal and give me peace and quiet while I prick my fingers. I’m waiting for certain milestones such as him being able to put on his own shoes. However, after the pregnancy, I know I’ll be holed up with the baby and be lucky if we can get out on one walk a day, so that’s going to be a huge routine shift.
The good news is that extended breastfeeding will reduce my risk of type 2 diabetes, so we’re going to keep it up for two years or longer, as the WHO recommends.
This is so beautifully written! I am pregnant with my second and my oldest just turned a year and I’ve been so nervous about balancing out my time! Thank you for this read!
Thank you so much for writing this beautiful piece and sharing your experience.
I am sitting here with my second – feeling the same exact way – while my toddler is in daycare and absolutely ugly crying while reading your words. I too did not anticipate this grief. And am absolutely mourning the loss of time with my toddler and the way things were before this.
Thank you for providing clarity and hope and showing me the light at the end of the tunnel 🙏🙏❤️🥹
Thank you for writing this. Being induced tonight and have not stopping crying in about 3 days thinking of losing my bond with my almost 4 year old daughter. Rationally I know it will all work itself out but the guilt is hard to sit in as I’m preparing to drop my daughter off at my parents while husband and I head to the hospital.