August is a very rough month for me emotionally. Every year when it rolls around, if not consciously at first, on a subconscious level I begin to grieve. I grieve for the loss of my beautiful sister who passed away tragically in a car accident. I grieve for my beautiful niece, who at the age of 2 lost her mother and now calls me “mommy.” I grieve for my baby who was 3-months old who not only lost her vivacious auntie but also lost the mommy that she had grown accustomed to.

I grieve for the loss of the mom that I thought I would be.

I look back at the few months that I had as a new mom before tragedy struck compared to the mom that I am today. I am not the same person. How could I be? I had read all the books, worked on daily routines, took the baby for daily walks, read to the baby, cloth diapered, made sure to exercise, was on a journey as a raw vegan, enjoyed floor time on the play mat, took my time nursing and bonding, and so much more. I felt like I was successfully navigating nursing on demand and multiple feedings during the night. I really felt like I had it all
together.

In the blink of an eye, my world was literally turned upside down and inside out. Getting the knock on my door from the police telling me that my precious sister had passed away and I needed to get to the hospital to be with my niece felt surreal. Surely it couldn’t be true. Surely the person who was my best friend and could be brutally honest with me wasn’t gone. Right?!

There was no time for grieving, I needed to be there for my sweet niece who had no idea what had just happened. Were it not for the support of my husband, I don’t know how I would have survived the months that followed. All I could do for myself was to try to remember to breathe. I poured all of the energy that I had into being present for my niece and my baby. I couldn’t fall apart no matter how much I wanted to.

Going from being a new mom to being a mom of 2, was traumatic. Throw in all of the events that lead up to it and I was on trauma overload. Gone was any structure that I had set up. I was just trying to survive. No more quiet times of nursing, it became nursing while multitasking. Gone was the idea that my baby wouldn’t have screen time before the age of 3. Gone were the days of raw veganism. I had to adapt our lifestyle to make it the least traumatic for my niece, which meant chicken nuggets and animal crackers. She had lost so much already.

Gone was the “sunshine-y” mom that I was setting myself up to be. That mom was gone. I still grieve for that mom even though it’s been many years. Would the children be better if that mom were still around, I wonder? Would our home be more structured if that mom were still around? Would I just handle “life” better? I’ll never know.

One of the things that I did maintain during the early days of tragedy was our daily walks. I don’t know how I would have survived without them. I bought a double stroller and we would go on nature walks. I would point out beautiful butterflies and dashing squirrels. We would look up at looming water towers and practice naming the colors of cars passing by. I feel that getting out into nature made it easier to breathe and cope for all of us. It took some of the stress away. It brought about a new appreciation for life. Feeling the warmth of the sun, hearing the birds singing, and even listening to the rhythm of my breathing while pushing the stroller up a monstrous hill brought gratitude.

Over the years I have found a new normal. I’m not the mom that I thought would be, but I am a mom nonetheless, and I am so grateful for this motherhood journey. We all experience and process grief and trauma in different ways. There is no one right way. What are some ways that you have been able to cope with traumatic events?