How To Make A Postpartum Mom’s Life A Little Easier
When a friend or family member has a baby, we are all eager to be of service in any way we can. Unfortunately, the kind of help we tend to offer sometimes isn’t in alignment with a new-moms actual needs. If you want to get real specific, I’m talking about holding the baby. While holding a fresh baby might be fabulous for you, it isn’t necessarily helpful for her. In fact, when it comes to helping a postpartum mother, the most valuable assistance you can offer usually has nothing to do with the baby at all.
My most permeable memories of early motherhood include struggling with breastfeeding, being perpetually sleepy, and significantly stressed. All I wanted to do was nurse my baby and take an occasional nap as my little one laid nestled close by. And yet, every visitor I had seemed to have a similar proposition: “You want me to hold the baby, so you can get some stuff done?” I stared back, blank-faced, and bewildered. “What do you mean?” I would think to myself. Sure, there were dishes in the sink, laundry on the floor, and cat hair in every crevice of the house, but none of that mattered at the time. How could it, when I was finally holding the whole world in my hands? “No, that’s okay…” I declined reluctantly.
Let’s make one thing clear; of course, I let other people hold my baby. I understand the awe and excitement that comes with interacting with a new life. But to consider that helpful? Let’s be honest; at the time, it felt more like a chore. Altering a newborn’s sensitive sleep and feeding schedule is no easy feat, and having to cater to guests when all I wanted to do was lay topless in bed and endure the wrath of cluster feeding was exhausting. I was so appreciative of the attempts to help, but the type of help they were offering just wasn’t what I needed. So, like many other moms afraid to ask for help, I said nothing.
Although I was too shy to express it, deep down, I knew exactly what I needed. It was something so simple yet infinitely valuable at the time. I just wanted to hold my own baby. I wanted someone to recognize that we were in the midst of a sensitive, silent conversation — learning each other’s cues, becoming familiar with habits, and deciphering needs. I wanted someone to look me in the eyes and see the waves of emotion coursing through my body and hold space for me to experience them without interfering. I needed somebody to say, “It’s okay, sit. Snuggle. Rest. I got this.”
If you want to help a postpartum mom, like really rock her freaking world, help out around the house. They will never outright ask you to do it, but they also won’t refuse. Having someone help take out the trash, get the mail, load the dishwasher, run the dryer, walk the dog. Those are the things that would’ve made the biggest difference in my early days of motherhood. Those are the kinds of offerings that would’ve moved me to tears in those moments of being completely overwhelmed.
So the next time you visit with a newborn, please try and remember what it feels like for the world to keep spinning while you stand frozen in time, staring down at the love of your life, trying to soak in every fleeting moment. The way your hormones insist you fulfill your motherly duties without interruption. How you yearned to explore your little one’s eyes without feeling the need to look away and entertain. Those are the things she needs, and those are all things you can give her. And maybe when you’re done, after the most heartfelt “thank you,” you’ll ever hear, she’ll let you hold that beautiful baby.
This rings true to me right now. Just had my second baby and my MIL lives five minutes away and entertains my toddler for a couple of hours when she is available. But she keeps asking us out to dinner and seems determined for me to let her give baby a bottle “so I can have 3-4 hours of rest.” I didn’t do bottles with my first born and I’m not planning to now. Yes, a good long nap is much needed, and she means well, but I’d rather be the one spending time with my kids while some other necessities get done around the house. I understand this go around how these times really are just a phase/stage of life and I want to cherish each moment.
Absolutely mother’s new and otherwise need to bond with their babies and having more than one child is harder u need to spend time with the other child do he or she gets the bonding with new born also I’m expecting my first grandchild and I will be there so my daughter can have the full bonding experience with her son and husband so important for family and friends to step it up during this precious time your body goes thru a traumatic change when pregnant and after delivery all u girls remember this is your child never be afraid or embarrassed to say what you feel or need god bless u and your babies
I wish this article had been available in 1990 and 1992 for distribution to my in-laws when I got my first and second baby. The only one who I felt understood me and my New Mammy -Baby needs was my own mother and despite her grave RA disability she came from a long distance and helped me survive and stayed for a long periods. I will do the same for my daughter who is expecting here first little baby in a few weeks time…cook, clean, wash, walk the dog, guard her privacy, peace and quietness with all the “artillery” I have. It will be here choice when she feels ready for ev Visitors and if she wants me to hold her little baby so she may take a shower, if she feels for it. My own memories and feelings from 32 years back in time are still very fresh.
I appreciate your perspective on this. I’ve never had this experience. When I ask to hold the new baby of the family/friend group, it’s because I’m so excited to meet them and just want to hold them, not because I think I’m “helping”.
It sounds like there are two miscommunications going on:
1. The person offering to “help” should say, “What can I do to help” rather than forcing their version of “help” on you because they don’t actually want to help, they just want to bond with the baby (which is understandable)
2. Mama needs to say, “I need help, could you please [specific task]” rather than expect/hope that the other person will just know and do it. If people love you enough to want to hold your baby, then they probably love you enough to fold a load of laundry or wash a sink of dishes. Articulating, owning, and asking for help for my needs (rather than expecting others to pick up on my cues and do all that work for me) has been life-changing!! Hoping that it helps you too!
Nah, don’t even ask “what can I do to help?” If you can see dishes piled up in the sink, laundry piled up, or can see the need for sweeping, just do it! Don’t ask questions, be proactive. A new mom will not ask you for help or answer “what can I do to help?” Honestly so if you see a chore, do a chore.
Truth…. well said.
Honestly I would hate this. People doing the dishes makes noise in my house and just keeps me up and the baby. Instead I want people to ask me because I’m direct and I will tell them.
Yeeeeessss!!!!!! So true!
Totally agree with Katie. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as asking a mama, “what can I do to help?” The truth is, they’re probably drowning and too overwhelmed to figure out what you can and can’t help with (or figuring out how much you actually love them enough to do, as you put it). You’re putting the onus on them to ask but there are a million things that need to be done and you’d be surprised at what a mental burden it is to even keep up with what that all is!
I do agree with your comment that being able to articulate your feelings and needs is absolutely important to good communication. But… somehow new motherhood is a completely different animal that requires help with even the most basic of needs that you can’t even imagine, let alone articulate!
I agree, it may also be hard for the person to articulate what they need in general. I know from personal experience that the way I was raised was that I don’t ask for help and I need to do everything for myself, so if someone asks if I need something or asks “what can I do” it’s impossible for me to be like “well this and that could get done” because I don’t want to burden other people with my personal chores, even tho I’m a full time mother. So I agree with just being proactive and doing something you can clearly see needs attention. It’s alot less stressful for someone like me who has trouble asking for help.
Kelsey,l just wanted to say congrats and I’m hoping I get to meet my nephews soon again.Take care love Kelsey
New mom at 40. The last in my friend and cousin age group. I had no idea I was offending!!! Easy as: dont touch me just because I’m pregnant to I’ll be here if u need me, but I work 60 hours a week.
I just didn’t know! Weird!! Be soft on your friends and family!
I’m very blessed to have a few friends that knew I was just curious about their experiences. 👶 pay anything good forward!!
EXACTLY. People are NOT readers for goodness sake!!
Interestingly, I’m currently the opposite. I would like to do things myself around my house… But noone offers to hold the baby *shrug* Honestly, based on this article and other similar ones, I expected a lot more people to want to hold the baby than actually want to lol
Right there with you, no one would take the baby!!!! For god sake, I’ve been sitting on this couch for hours, please let me get up and clean!! Lolol
Or let you go to the bathroom, get a snack, or take a nap! 🙂
Every grandmother/father, aunt, uncle, friend, sibling, neighbor or other caring person that will soon have the joy of this new baby’s life should read this article. I wish I had read this years ago.
That’s true! I don’t let just anyone visit our house so just the family and very close friends so I am not shy to ask them to do some chores for me I am a very straightforward person and I always tell them what I need and what I want I always told them that I need help on the chores and not with the baby but of course I let them hold my baby too since they are so excited
Bravo!
Finally someone says it so eloquently!
I want to hold my own baby and there’s nothing wrong with that.
When I had my first baby 41 yrs ago I was told that it would make her more independent to have everyone in the room hold her for me and the disappointment that I was breast feeding rather than bottle feeding was actually mentioned and the fact that my husband insisted on taking long road trips to visit grandma, regularly, was exhausting.
I was emotionally spent and expected to meet the needs of family rather than my baby’s or my own.
By the time I had daughter #4, I was determined to do it my way which was wonderful as baby and I bonded , along with her three older sisters. It was peaceful and the most natural thing in the world for us.
Today, that same daughter now has a 3week old newborn-her first and I live within walking distance so I’m over when she asks me to visit, to cook, clean or help in any way I can but watching her snuggle with her newborn is a beautiful thing and I hold him only when she hands him to me.
Lots of changes have happened with the astounding information on breastfeeding and I watch her take the lead as she teaches me.
This is my 6th grand child and I was there to help clean and cook as needed for ever one.
Si Grandmas be helpful by keeping the distance they are asking for yet ready to be if service when they ask for help!
I love this so much! This is so very true and I couldn’t put it to words but you did for me! Thank you so much!
I identify with you so much! I just had my first baby and it was honestly a terrible experience having guests over, they stayed for 2 weeks and didn’t cook or even do dishes once. I was healing and exhausted and I did not want to get dressed and shower because people where over, I felt like I couldn’t move half the time, or stand more than a few minutes but the guests made me feel like I was expected to play host when I really needed someone to take care of me. It shocked me how rude people can be to a woman who just gave birth. If I could give any advice to an expectant mother it would be to tell everyone you aren’t having any visitors until after 3-4 weeks. Unless they are going to cook and clean you are not going to want them staying at your house.
I had a dear friend whose gift to me was 6 weeks of housekeeping. I must say it it still my favorite gift of all times! She also offered an hour for me to get out of the house for 1-2 hours. I would have lunch with my husband, do a little shopping, get a pedi. Can I just say these were the best hours of the week outside of being a new mom! My son is mine 32 and I still remember this as one of the great kindnesses I every received.
Yes! 💯
Agree with this! I’m 5 weeks pp, and I had my in laws in town the first two weeks. I was nervous about how they would “help”, but they really were mostly helpful. I had a hard delivery and was really out of it the first week, so planning ahead was key. We set expectations before they even booked their travel that they were there to help us with chores. They stayed in a hotel so we could have them over on our own terms and could have our alone family time. I created a chore list and grocery list and after a few days they automatically started doing the chores that needed to be done. It wasn’t perfect, but I’m glad we had them there. And they even got to hold the baby. That said, not every family meme we is capable of helping you the way you need it so chose wisely who comes in the first month!
Be considerate, and know. If your a Mother, you’ve been down this road. You can’t not have your immediate family come and meet the baby but you can Utilize them while they are there. Sure hold the baby while I nap and when your done …. , clearly state BYO everything. I am not entertaining. State the hours of availability and put off anyone else for the first month. Especially in a CoVid world. Sanity & Safety first.
You eloquently said it all. I am a new mother of a 3 week old and SIL insists on coming over 3 times a week and all she does is hold my baby and has even offered to take my kid away for the weekend so that I can rest. I have hinted and even told her straight that I don’t need help with handling the baby. If she really wants to help she should help around the house – cook and clean. But I haven’t received such help yet from anyone.
Gaw. This!! When I had my first baby I had postpartum depression and all I wanted to do was hold my baby. That’s the only thing that made me feel better. I was given so much grief from some family members. At one point I was told that they would hold my baby while I made everyone dinner…family, guests, everyone. I was expected to go cook for everyone with a week of giving birth. I was still sore from my c section and just so miserable. When my baby started to cry and I tried to take her back they wouldn’t give her to me. They said I needed to go take care of other things. It was awful. I was so scared that if I let on how depressed I was they’d take my baby from me. My pediatrician finally affirmed that what I was feeling and needing was normal which made it easier to stand up for myself. But good grief don’t take a baby from their mother unless she offers. Sometimes there’s so much more under the surface than the things you think she needs to get done around the house.
After a couple weeks the depression subsided and I began to feel normal again and was able to look back more clearly and see that my request to hold my newborn wasn’t ridiculous like I’d been made to feel like it was. Just be sensitive and let her be.
I can relate. My mother in law stayed for a couple weeks after I gave birth. She did not cook nor clean. All she did was hog my baby. She demanded that I clean up the house and expected me to cook for her. I was miserable and could not even walk around my own home freely because I was afraid she would make a comment. I hid in my room most days because she made me so uncomfortable that I could not be in the same room as her. My husband kept handing baby to her to impress her. He kept taking my baby away from me to give my baby to her. I told him how I felt but he did nothing. He only cares about what his mother thinks. Baby is 9 months now. I still have a lot of resentment towards both husband and MIL. I hate him for choosing the family he came from and not the family he created. I hate him for not standing up for me. And I especially hate his mother for making me feel the way she did.
That is so sad! To have your baby constantly taken from you and to be expected to pamper to a guest when you’re the one who needed to be taken care of. I would have kicked the mother in law out if she wasn’t going to actually help. Providing real help is the only reason someone should stay with you after any kind of surgery including childbirth.
I am fortunate to have a loving caring mother who lives just down the street. My one sister in law already offered to help with meals and laundry after I have my baby (due in two months). She experienced post partum depression so she understands how difficult it can be.
This breaks my heart, I’m so sorry that happened.
I had a baby 8 months ago and honestly all I wanted was for someone to hold my baby so I could take a nap without worrying about him being unhappy (he would NOT be set down). So I’ve been so excited at the prospect of going to me soon-to-be-mama friend’s house and offer to take the baby out on a nap/walk for a couple of hours so her and her husband can take a nap together! I’m so glad I read all this, because it’s a reminder that not everyone’s experience was the same as mine! I’ll go over and offer the nap/walk but also ask what SHE wants/needs at that time, whether it be dishes doing or chores or what!
I ABSOLUTELY will bring at least two meals though, my god. No one should make a postpartum visit without food, ever ever in my opinion, the thought of someone expecting you to COOK for people boils my blood. Especially after a c section!!
This is absolutely true!!! I am 2 weeks postpartum & it feels good to read this & think “someone understands”. From one Mama to another, THANK YOU!
I relate to this so much! I just had my second baby and I’ve been recently so upset when mom or mother in law come to help and say things like “let me hold the baby.. my turn! You’ve had her all day” and it made me flip inside. Yes I’ve been with baby all day but this grueling 2-3 hour shift where it takes me an hour to feed her, she’s a slow nurser and poor at draining me so then I also have to pump, clean bottles, supplement her with a bottle, change her, use the restroom myself (longer process immediately post partem), feed myself, and then it starts all over again.. so no I haven’t just sat and held my baby. My whole day has been endlessly surviving basic needs, and it honestly frustrated me when grandmas swoop in and get all the glorious cuddling assuming that’s all I do all day when it is far from my reality. I so very much appreciated the day my mom just did the dishes while I cuddled with my baby. Sure I’ll hand baby over so I can shower or nap but honestly new moms don’t get nearly as much relaxed cuddling as people seem to think we do, and we want more of it! Not to give that precious time with our baby to someone else.
Yes yes yes 🙌🏼 it’s so true. Those first few months are such a blur and overwhelming shift in schedule.. breastfeeding, pumping, dealing with oversupply, postpartum healing and sooooo much more. People greatly underestimate how many things are going on in a new moms body and mind, surprisingly, people like in-laws who HAD their own kids but seem to forget what that time was like… my MIL a few times held baby too long while I awkwardly suggested he was hungry… no, really, I’d like to feed him now… he’s giving hunger cues… can you please bring him here now??
The rage. I’ll never forget how helpless and uncomfortable I felt.
Exactly what i need. Instead, i came home from the hospital after a cs and had to do the dishes and laundry myself while struggling to stand and walk even after popping pain pills. Not even any help during the night with the baby and expected to do chores. Being told “amazing” was all i got. Sure is sweet but not the help i need. Being “amazing” is so exhausting. So sad. Partners and other significant others should be educated on this.
👩🏼🍼💝very well said, this is true