If you’ve gone through the process of formally hiring a babysitter through the magic of the Internet, rather than through a family friend of colleague or baby cousin, then you know there are a thousand lists of very practical, necessary questions you ought to be asking.  Things like, do you know CPR and First Aid, what would you do in an emergency, have you ever changed a diaper before — the basics, the important stuff.

This is not that list.

Buuuuuuut, I would argue these questions are also vital for your sanity, if not the safety of your children.

How do you feel about stepping on LEGOs?  In the likely event of this happening in my home, will you curse loudly in front of my children, or grit your teeth and scream profanity in your head?

Can you cook chicken nuggets or mac and cheese?  (One or the other is acceptable.)

What is your tolerance level for the recitation of all Moana song lyrics and dialogue?  (Please say infinite tolerance, please say infinite tolerance, please say infinite tolerance…)

Will you quietly shove the excess crap (mail I haven’t sorted, craft projects I haven’t finished, that bag of stuff from the latest Target run I keep meaning to take upstairs but keep forgetting about…) to the side to make room for dinner plates and not judge the state of this home too harshly?  I mean, I’ve got two kids. A mama can only spin but so many plates at a time and the plate I drop a lot around here is housekeeping.

If the children wheedle their way into Breakfast For Dinner, will you tell me later not so I can bemoan the late night sugar but just so I know that, like, there aren’t as many frozen waffles in the freezer as I assume there are?

If the dog trots downstairs with a pair of underpants from my laundry, could you never speak of it to me, and pretend you didn’t see that?  

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a child in the care of a new sitter will try to alter their bedtime.  If a child insists that their normal bedtime is midnight, will you believe them? (PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY AND SACRED SAY NO.)

What’s your competency level with Doing The Voices for bedtime stories?

More than anything, the most important question of all here: will you text me only in the case of a true life or death emergency?  Mama needs her downtime. Thank youuuuuuuu! HIRED.