Every time I try to boil down what I’ve learned by being a foster mother, I start to feel overwhelmed.  There are so many layers to foster parenting, and just when you think you’ve discovered all the layers, still more layers present themselves.  It is nuanced, tricky, emotionally complicated, socially complicated. There are whole relationships you have to maintain, both personally (family members) and professionally (social workers).  

Before I became a foster mother, all the ways to be a modern mother seemed apparent to me, with some variations of course.  The central theme around most parenting models I saw though were formed around attachment, bonding, exploration, nurturing. And while all of those things are vital to touch on when you’re a foster parent, becoming a foster mother was a bit like having the rug pulled out from under me in terms of how to do those things.  I struggled to get pregnant and eventually had my daughter via IVF. Where I struggled to conceive, now here was a baby I did not birth, yet here in my arms. Where I struggled with breastfeeding my biological daughter, now here was a baby who I categorically could not breastfeed.

What I discovered was that my struggles with breastfeeding with my daughter helped tremendously when it came to bonding with my foster son.  I know this sounds a little odd, but trust me — this really is a case of struggle bearing out something really positive long-term. Of course, this isn’t to say that if you don’t struggle to breastfeeding that foster parenting will be harder, if you ever decide to look into fostering.  But what it did was prepare my heart and body for working to bond with my foster son in additional ways.

Snuggling and babywearing have been a huge part of my bonding with the little guy currently part of our family, for example.  Whether it’s all wearing comfy pajamas (swooooon) and snuggling up to read together, or singing the same morning wake-up song when he wakes up, I’m coming up with ways that help form strong attachments, even when the awesome method of breastfeeding isn’t an option for me.  

But more than the practical day-to-day stuff like that, the thing being a foster mother has taught me the most is how to be confident and self-assured in my parenting.  With my daughter, being the first meant I was trying to figure out not only how to mother, but what kind of mother I was, as a person. Now that my foster son (technically the third baby I’ve mothered, since he’s my second foster son) is here, I find that I’m confident because of all the things being my daughter’s mom taught me.  I know who I am as a mother: fierce, confident, brave, and willing to do what it takes to bond with my littles, whether it meant breastfeeding through struggles with my daughter, or carrying my foster son even when it tweaks my back a bit. I know who I am, even when I have to meet with social workers and CASA workers and constantly be On for people there to judge my parenting.  

Struggling to conceive and struggling to breastfeed made me a warrior.  Because I realized, I can do hard things. I can do them as long as I can do them, I can bond with my daughter through struggle, I can be forgiving of myself when I struggle with things.  Those abilities, honed by struggle, come in handy now when other struggles arise. I can do hard things.

You can, too.

So whatever struggle you’re experiencing, be it breastfeeding, or conception, or something else, know this: this struggle will shape who you are as a mother.  And I’m pretty damn sure no matter what your journey looks like, struggle can transform you in a positive way. Maybe you can’t see it now. But I believe that it can.

I don’t know what my family’s life and makeup will look like six months from now.  Foster care is unpredictable and every case is unique. What I do know is that my previous struggles have prepared me for more, and I’m ready.