When it comes to finding the right mom group, things can get complicated fast.  Does everyone have the same schedule as you?  Do people have childrearing opinions that fundamentally clash with yours?  Will there be snacks for the adults?  Will someone judge you if you take some of the goldfish crackers for myself if the prior question’s answer is negative?

I come bearing an ever-so-brief list of Important Questions To Ask Yourself when choosing a mom group.  Remember: your future is at stake, so choose wisely!

1. What’s the activity level of the group? Will you be hiking to remote picnic locations atop mountains and be expected to lead city-wide jaunts while teaching children to sing?  Or, is hanging out in the living room more this group’s speed?
2. Are there snacks? Really this cannot be overstated.
3. Will people judge you regarding your diapering or breastfeeding (etc.) choices?
4. Is putting some Peppa Pig on for the kids OK so we moms can talk?
5. Seriously, about those snacks…?

The more I ponder the mom groups I’ve been in, the thing that strikes me the most has been the level of acceptance I’ve found.  Online, it’s easy to file ourselves in small bubbles, sorting ourselves according to particular parenting beliefs we ascribe to — free-range childhood, cloth diapering, baby-led weaning, every variation on parenting has its coinciding Facebook group.  I could be in ten or twenty individual groups if I wanted to, each devoted to a niche facet of parenting.  But life and parenting can be so messy that I’ve found I enjoy the all-encompassing approach of groups (both online and in real life) that are less focused on individual parts of parenting and more about the broader experience of mothering as a whole.

The connections I’ve made with other moms hasn’t been because of our babywearing beliefs or our individual breastfeeding journeys.  The friendships I’ve forged haven’t been because we diaper the same way, or have the same hopes for our children.  The friendships I’ve made in my mom groups have been forged not necessarily because of our children, but because of our collective experiences parenting them.  The connections are more about the adults than the kids.  We all love each other’s rugrats, will wipe their noses equally, scoop them up if they’ve fallen down, but we’re there for more than that too.  We’re there for each other, when a child is in the hospital and dogs left at home need feeding, when a meal needs to be brought over, when there’s a promotion at work to celebrate or a simple hug needed after hard news.

My mom group isn’t just a group I go to with questions about toddler tantrums or potty training, it’s the place I go to when I want to share my life, and hear what’s new in the lives of friends who happen to also be moms.  It took having a child to meet them, but now I can’t imagine my life without them.  Motherhood comes with so many changes — sleepless nights, grueling days, love that’s astounding in its ferocity at times.  But the mom group was an unexpected surprise.  I didn’t have a child expecting to find a whole new community too.

So when I say to choose your mom group well, like your future is at stake, I mean it in the best possible way.  Choose well, and go in with an open heart, and you might be surprised at the new community motherhood opens up to you.  Also, bring good snacks to share.