Oof, where to even begin?  Becoming a foster mother has taught me so many things.  So many folks ask me all the time what it’s really like, as though there’s the answer, and then there’s the real answer lurking behind somewhere.  And that’s true in the sense that we all have our “I’m great, fine, how are you!” moments when the reality is more complicated than great and fine.  

The thing about foster parenting is that you are and are not a parent.  You will never replace a child’s mother; you can mother, and do all the things mothers do, but you are not a child’s Replacement Mother.  And so, I mother anyway. I bestow kisses, hugs, cuddles, songs; patty-cake, chase-around-the-room; where’s baby, peek-a-book. And we all do those things.  But I think the thing about parenting one’s “no contest” children is that there is some future at stake, some relationship, something you can see like a fuzzy, hazy picture on the horizon.  There is a “someday” in which, you hope, you are a part. Here in fosterland, you cannot expect a future out of it; you can only mother for the now, and mother for the future you may never see.  Like they say in Hamilton: It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see. You have to do it without yourself being a factor.

This isn’t to say foster parents are saints.  Honestly, it’s better to view us as people, living, with real frustrations, and real weaknesses.  Any time a foster parent gets elevated to saint level, a child in foster care is not the priority focus.

There are joys, too though.  The ability to get to know a whole new little person is a joy.  The growth of our family is a joy, even when kids are no longer with us (as is the whole point of foster care!).  It’s funny, honestly: my whole life I’ve known I’m made of stern stuff, but fostering has presented the unique opportunity for me to flex my emotional muscles and figure out what kind of person I can be, even when perhaps my heart wants different things sometimes.  It is gratifying. It has grown me as a person, as a woman, as a mother.

Fostering mothering is teaching me every day how to center someone else beyond the way children usually center themselves in a life.  There are visits, whole relationships I have to foster and make happen if at all possible. There are a thousand times I can choose to selfish or unselfish, and being a foster mother means I test myself daily.  

So more than anything these days, when people ask me what it’s like to be a foster mother, this is what I say: know how to hold multiple things in your head and heart.  Know that it will test you. Know that you are capable of stretching your heart more than you might think.

It’s not easy.  But then, who said any kind of parenting was easy?  Nobody, right? It’s emphatically not for everyone, but for people on the fence, maybe consider this your little nudge, a coaxing of the folks already wobbling, over into delving deeper.  We all want to use our talents in this world. Maybe this is yours. You don’t have to be a saint. In fact, saints discouraged! Real people with a desire to grow though, hey, hi, I’ll bet you could do it.  In fact, I almost know you could.