What I Learned from Doing Every Single Nighttime Feed
I chose to do every single nighttime feed for my first baby, as well as handle nearly all nighttime wakeups until she was 12 months old. Let me be clear, I do not wear this as some badge of honor and this article is not a “how-to”. This is more of a “how not to” because the thing I learned from doing every single nighttime feed and wakeup is that I should not have done it.
I initially took on the nighttime duties largely because I exclusively breastfed my baby. Specifically, I don’t like to pump, I find bottle feeding a lot of work, and at night I find it easier to grab the baby out of the bassinet, feed her in bed, and put her back down. Plus, most of the time I enjoy bonding in the quiet hours of the night.
If I am being honest with myself, I also choose this out of a place of deep anxiety. I have a hyperactive fear of SIDS and suffocation so I worry about letting someone else handle the nighttime baby needs. What if they fall asleep with her in the bed? What if they accidentally put her to bed with a blanket? I am all about the “what ifs”. I need to control the situation to feel safe. Completely irrational, I know.
My baby was not a great sleeper. It took her 14 months to sleep through the night. It was six months before she ever slept longer than 2-3 hour stretches (and often much less than that).
I barely survived this crazy pace with my firstborn. Now I have a 3 month old and from the day she was born, I have blundered my way through all of the nighttime feeds and wakeups once again. My sleep suffered tremendously like with my firstborn but this time, I had a complete meltdown.
When my newest daughter was 10 weeks old, I found myself crying night after night, losing patience with the baby and everyone around me. Simple tasks made me feel overwhelmed. I was so exhausted I didn’t feel safe driving. I did dumb stuff constantly, like leaving the burners and oven on. I was also trying to work from home during the day while watching my kids full time.
My husband would try to help, but I kept pushing him away. Our conversations were frequently something along the lines of…
Me: “I need more sleep.”
Husband: “Great, I will take the baby next time she wakes up.”
Me: “No, that won’t work. I can do it. It’s no big deal.”
Confused husband: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Oh yes, I was just overreacting. I can do it.”
After days of my husband waking up to me in tears, he took matters into his own hands. He snuck our baby out of the room while I slept. I woke up five hours later confused but rested. And you know what? The baby was fine. This simple act of help opened my eyes. It sounds so obvious, but I honestly did not realize how desperately I needed help. The blinders had come off. From then on, we worked out a strategy so I could get extra sleep in the morning.
Of course, it wasn’t long before thoughts of guilt crept in. “Why can’t I keep up? Why do I need help? I shouldn’t put this burden on my husband.” As I lay there feeling guilty for sleeping in a third morning in a row while my husband watched the baby, I realized I had jumped on board with the American motherhood way of doing it all without even realizing it. We as mothers often wear our ability to withstand exhaustion as a badge of honor. We want to be able to work, take care of the kids, cook dinner, plan activities, do laundry and feed the kids, all while staying calm, not sleeping, and looking good.
By trying (and failing) to do all nighttime feeds and wakeups I learned that it is okay to not be okay. I learned that I need to ask for help and not feel guilty or like a failure for doing so.
Now the anxiety part for me is trickier. I still get extremely nervous when someone else is watching my baby without me around, especially while I am sleeping. But I am learning to ask for help by talking about my anxiety with my husband and my family (and probably a therapist soon). I won’t endure by myself anymore.
I think I need to hang a poster in my home office or the kid’s playroom that reminds me to “Do Less. Be Less”. My new goal is to be a human mom, not a super mom (or a sleep-deprived zombie mom).
THANK YOU
Reading this in the middle of the night as I feed my 5 week old…and I’m falling into the same pattern and desperately tired. Was hoping you would share how, exactly, you’re changing things. Are you pumping at some point so your husband can give a bottle? Still getting up for feeds but then giving baby to husband to rock back down? Using formula to supplement for a feed? How do I actually accomplish not getting the one to handle everything at night?
My husband and I sleep in shifts. I’m a night owl whereas he likes waking up early so it works out. I currently produce twice as much breast milk that my baby needs, so during my watch I’ll feed the baby, then pump and stick that bottle in the fridge for my husband. I’ll still wake up with my husband to pump but then I go back to sleep, knowing that if the baby wakes up partway through the night or needs to be burped or is feeling particularly fussy and needs to be soothed/ sung to/ whatever my husband is on it. I sleep soundly and our relationship has never been stronger.
The Haakaa is a life saver for me. You put it on one side while feeding from the other. I can usually get 1 to 3 oz from it. I keep a bottle or two available in the refrigerator for my husband, and I freeze the rest to have a stash of breastmilk for when I go back to work. My husband takes a shift with the baby around 8:00pm-10:00pm or 11:00pm, and he always has a 2 oz bottle of breastmilk available. We supplemented with formula with my first child before I discovered the haakaa. It took me a while to get over feeling guilty about feeding my son a bottle of formula while I slept, but it was necessary for me to be the best mom I could for him. I was breaking down at times before I started asking for more help.
What are your suggestions for keeping the haaka on while feeding? Do you put it through a pumping bra? I usually use the cross cradle position and did not have luck with it staying on!!
I use an Elvie curve. It works really great abd better than the Hakaa and fits in a bra easily. I honestly don’t usually wear any kind if nursing bra unless I’m pumping. I often just put the Elvie on my breast without anything at all while I’m breeding on the other side. Hope that helps!
Try the Haakaa ladybugs, it sits right in your bra!
Are you using it correctly? The Haaka should stay on by itself via suction. Flip the mouth back, squeeze the sides in, then place over the nipple and then flip the mouth back and you should feel a tight hold
This is a great read! I let my fiancé assist with nighttime feedings via bottle with my expressed milk but definitely felt guilty about it for the first few weeks. (My son is 4 weeks old.) I usually will breast feed right before mine and my sons bed time. Then when my fiancé gets up with the baby, I will get up 1-2 times a night to pump. Whatever I pump is the milk we use for the next night and so on. I still have to get up but it’s only for 10-15 minutes instead of 45-60 so I can easily fall back to sleep. I also put all my pumping stuff right by the bed to save even more time and the need to get out of bed. We have not had to supplement with formula and I do all the day time feedings. It’s been a great help!
This is me! It’s my first baby and he’s almost 5 months old and I’ve done every feeding and nighttime wake-up. I feed to sleep usually. There was one night the baby fell asleep on my husband and I knew he was tired and I couldn’t bring myself to fall asleep until the baby was in his own bed. I don’t want to pump, I love breastfeeding so much and it makes me sad to think that I’d give my baby a bottle when he loves to suck as nature intended. I know I sound crazy but these feelings are so strong! I don’t think I’ve ever slept while my baby was awake, except the last few nights when he wants to play with his feet at 4:30 am and doesn’t seem like he’s going back to sleep lol. This week I’m going to attempt a career shift and work from home with a babysitter, and I’m so paranoid but I feel like it’s a healthy step in the right direction. I’m usually such a laid back person but now that I’m a mom, I’m super anxious with others!!
A lot of what you describe with your first baby is normal. An exclusively and directly breastfed baby, which is the norm by all standards, requires it’s nursing mother for all feeds day and night.
Per IBCLC recommendations, one’s milk supply must be established in the early weeks by either direct breastfeeding or pumping as frequently as the baby feeds. This includes pumping overnight if baby is offered a bottle.
Waking up through the night is biologically and developmental normal for babies. Sleeping through the night at 14 months and waking every 2-3 hours until 6 months is good sleeping for many babies. Good vs bad sleeping is a dichotomy that serves neither babies nor mothers.
Where you seem to deviate from typical is with your with anxiety. It’s important to address the fact that the development, demands and behaviors of you baby are normal. Being able to “do it all” is a ridiculous standard. Moms need concrete support: PPD and PPA screening and intervention, breastfeeding support and access to professional IBCLC consultation, social support from family and friends, meal trains, help with childcare for older children, maternity leave (and paternity leave) that allows for the raising of very young children within their family of origin, and so much more.
I totally understand this! I have a nine month old and have been doing all of the nighttime feeds, I’m so exhausted and resentful toward my partner who often takes a break before bed reading and playing video games and then goes to sleep. He offers to help, but I’m always trying to catch up with my milk supply that it feels impossible, ever since going back to work, I’m just barely making it and some days my son eats the whole freezer stash and the panic to produce starts again. My only break is going to work and I’m a nurse in a pretty busy ER and it does not really feel like a break to me. It feels like I’m the only one struggling like this and it’s nice to hear about this happening to others too, I’m glad you’ve figured out a way to get some sleep!
This is so relatable I too am in this exact situation my son is 4 months old I still haven’t slept longer than 3 hours at a time . It’s hard to let husband help at night he doesn’t wake up to the baby crying and it’s easier to just breastfeed him and out him back down overnight. He only sleeps 1-3 hours at a time in his crib so I’m up a lot . My husband works full time and leaves for work at 5am so I’m alone with baby 12 hours a day. I return to work as a nurse in 2 weeks and im so worried to leave him he’s so used to breastfeeding on demand and having me there he’s also a contact sleeper so I’m holding him a lot . Luckily he takes bottles of breastmilk great and dad feeds them to him on weekends so I can sleep more or when I sneak out for a quick run . Thank you for posting this makes me feel less alone.
I feel the same way! There’s so much pressure to do it all! Since I went back to work my supply has dipped a ton and can’t get it back up. My freezer stash is dwindling and I can’t keep up! You’re not alone in the struggle! I feel like my only break is at work as well. Seems like life hasn’t changed much for my husband sleep wise but he does take our babe in the mornings while he’s home.
I totally feel this! My supply started going down and we had to supplement as well. I ended up getting diagnosed with postpartum and started meds and therapy. It made things so much more manageable and I was able to stick to a consistent pumping schedule without feeling overwhelmed or guilty at work. We now have over a 100 ounces in our freezer and have went back to exclusively breast milk!
I’m wondering if there are any other mamas who ran into the issue with their partner not being so receptive to help in the middle of the night? He works a lot longer hours than I do but I’m about to lose my mind with the lack of sleep and doing it ALL! He will wake up rub my back for 15 seconds as I’m having a half meltdown and be back asleep before I know it…
We learned my husband can change a diaper in the night and that’s about it functionality wise. So he gives the bedtime bottle to allow me to pump & get into bed early. Then he would take first shift of listening for the baby in the night. Once the baby woke up in the night, he would change the diaper & pass the baby to me for graveyard shift until 5/6 in the morning, when I would pass the baby back to him after a feeding and I could get another 2ish hours of sleep. It’s about getting creative to how you best function.
My husband was and is a huge help. Fourth kiddo, he was more helpful than ever! And church ladies helped with homemade meals, which was SUCH a blessings!
My significant other didn’t wake up often with the baby, but he did get up with her once a night for the first feeding so I got a 3-5 hour chunk of sleep. It wasn’t perfect, but it helped ease him into getting up
And helping more.