I never set out to be an angry mom. I had visions of a fairytale home life with butterflies, rainbows, and sweet little kiddos all lined up in matching outfits…okay, that’s not true, but still. Never did I think I would be the mom who gets home at the end of the day and flips her proverbial lid at the sight of dishes in the sink and shoes strewn all over the floor, and yet…here we are.

In fact, just this week I arrived home from a rare lunch with friends to find that none of my three children had followed the simple instructions I had issued for when I was away. The tasks were small, and easily completed after I got home, but the fact that they had been neglected during my short absence filled me with a rage I could not explain. As I yelled out “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” I simultaneously felt a pang in my gut–I didn’t want to be this angry, yelling mom. Sure, the kids had ignored my instructions, but where was all this rage coming from?

I’m willing to bet most mamas reading this blog have felt the same exaggerated anger at some point or another, whether it has been directed at your kids, your partner, or some other unsuspecting bystander. In fact, this “mom rage” is a widespread phenomenon–but why? What leads to the feeling of helplessness that fuels this out-of-control, angry feeling?

In my experience, I feel the most “ragey” when I feel like I have lost control of my narrative. When I feel like I’m failing. When I feel like the world is on my shoulders and there’s no help (or end) in sight. But why do things like incomplete chores and thoughtless messes make me feel such BIG feelings?

Honestly? It’s the pressure. It’s the pressure to “enjoy every moment,” be a “superhero mom,” have the perfect, Insta-worthy house, clothes kids, and life. This pressure bombards us moms at every turn, and rather than recognizing it for what it is–an unrealistic, unattainable standard–we turn our disappointment and blame inward. We feel like we should be able to handle this with all the grace of the mom bloggers and Insta-influencers who make it look so. damn. easy. These unrealistic standards set the foundation for burnout, disappointment, depression, anxiety, and rage.

So what’s a mama to do? I have found great comfort and relief in talking to others who “get it.” Whether it’s your therapist, a friend with whom you can truly be yourself, a moms’ group, or a family member, having someone to talk to who will hear you without judgment is the best fix for feeling isolated and under pressure. Most of all, it is an incredible relief to realize you are not alone in struggling with society’s impossible standards, and it brings an incredible sense of power to stand up against them.