My toddler’s cup skipped across the floor spraying juice everywhere. I then looked over to find poop oozing out of my baby’s onesie. It was 11:00 am and I still hadn’t found time to eat breakfast or have coffee. My toddler started screaming out “Mommy! Mommy!” while my baby shrieked. I felt frustrated and angry so I ran to the bathroom, shut the door, and tried to calm myself down.

As I whisper-yelled my frustrations so the kids couldn’t hear, the phrase “enjoy every second because it goes by so fast” echoed in my head. But what if I wasn’t enjoying EVERY second? Was I being selfish and petty? I felt shame at being ungrateful for the privilege of being a mom.  

As I sat wallowing in the bathroom, I knew I was lucky. Many people would move mountains to have two healthy, thriving kids as I did. What was my problem? Was cleaning spilled juice off the floor really that big of a deal? I told myself to get over it, bottled up my frustrations, plastered a fake smile on my face, and left the bathroom to tend to my toddler and my baby.

As a parent, I often bottle up my feelings out of a guilt-ridden obligation to stay in a grateful place. I feel like I have chosen to be a parent, and I should feel nothing but grateful and blessed.  I have no “real” reason to complain. And while I think gratitude should be a driving force in my life, I have recently learned that complaining about the small stuff doesn’t mean that I’ve lost appreciation for everything positive in my life. Furthermore, I actually do myself a disservice when I don’t give a voice to my hardships.

When I bottle up my frustrations they don’t magically disappear. They build up until I finally snap and lose it over something small. In recent months I have learned to let myself feel occasionally dissatisfied or annoyed at the everyday challenges of being a parent.  I have given myself permission to express those feelings to my husband, my mom, or a friend without feeling guilty.

Since I started voicing my challenges more (let’s be honest, I still bottle it up a lot of the time) I have learned that it instantly calms me down. It helps me move through those negative feelings quickly so I can get back to a place of feeling genuinely grateful and happy as a mom. It gives me perspective and helps me to feel supported and heard. I don’t let complaining dominate my life, but I find I need to give a voice to my hardships, however shallow they may seem, so I can calm those negative feelings.

Parenting is both the greatest blessing I have ever known and the greatest challenge I have ever known. So, it makes sense that I can feel grateful while also feeling like I am going to burst with frustration.

I am a happier mom now that I let myself live in this paradox, experiencing gratitude while sometimes complaining. I can be grateful to nuzzle my baby in the middle of the night AND frustrated with being awake for the third time that night. I can be grateful to watch my kids giggle while making a mess at the dinner table AND wish I could occasionally eat one meal alone. I can appreciate being able to nurse my baby AND complain that I never get to leave the house for more than two hours at a time. I can appreciate having a healthy pregnancy AND lament that I have so much nausea I haven’t eaten anything but bread and cookies in weeks.  

To be clear, I know I won the lottery. I have two healthy kids whose needs are met. They are loved and safe. I have recently had friends face major challenges like infertility, pediatric cancer, and losing their home. I feel grateful for my life each day with every fiber of my being. But I am human (and really tired). I struggle and get annoyed, and that is OKAY.