A cursory google search reveals that the general consensus, at least among bloggers, is that friendships between parents and non-parents rarely work out. “It’s inevitable that your friend groups will change,” says one. “She doesn’t understand my life anymore,” says another.  I’m here to tell you: that is only true if you allow it to be. If a friendship doesn’t work out because too much effort was involved, was that ever really a friendship? The idea that it’s “too hard” for parents and non-parents to be friends is, frankly, lazy and self-centered thinking. Boom. I said it. The truth is that relationships of any kind require effort. Friendships with non-parents are not only possible, they can flourish and thrive under the right conditions. Here are some tips to keep the bonds strong:

Remember that parenthood is not a disability or a crisis.*

This is a tough-love moment, but let’s be real. Your life is not necessarily harder because you have kids. It is very different, and difficult in different ways than your friends without children. We as parents need to be careful to not put ourselves at the top of some arbitrary hierarchy of suffering. Everyone has difficulties in their life. It could be work-related difficulties, caring for aging/ill parents, infertility struggles, financial hardships; the list goes on. We need to try not to make the mistake of assuming we are the only ones having to juggle multiple obligations or are the only ones who have a crisis come up. Parenthood is an additional layer of life, but it isn’t the only one. Notice the other layers and try to be present within those layers of your friends’ lives, just as they are (hopefully) invested in your journey as parents. 

*I realize that sometimes parenthood does include disability and/or crisis. This article is about situations where that is not the case. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for help from each other. 

This is true for any real friendship, but I’ve noticed that parents and non-parents tend to think they can’t ask each other for help. I’m sometimes afraid to ask my non-parent friends to pinch-hit when my babysitter has canceled but I have a meeting that I can’t miss, when in reality they’d be happy to fill the void and see me succeed in my work life. On the other side, they might assume asking me for help with a house project is “too much” or that I’m too busy with the kids, when I’d actually love to pitch in and get my hands dirty with them. This all boils down to communication. Have a conversation with your non-parent friends and make it clear you can still be relied on for things like that. You may need a little more notice and time to plan for it than people without children, but you’re still happy to contribute. Ask them how they feel about being an emergency babysitter. Then, agree all around that you will communicate openly, and if you can’t do it for whatever reason, you will simply say “no” and there will be no hard feelings. 

Be mindful of conversation topics.

This is the most contentious issue I saw come up in my search: non-parents find parents exceedingly boring when they insist on only talking about their kids. That hurts a little to read, doesn’t it? However, I feel the exact same way when my non-parents friends talk incessantly about their “doggos” and I’m just sitting there with nothing to contribute. We can tackle this from both sides. If your friends are decent people, they truly do care about your kids, but they don’t need to hear a detailed soliloquy on toddler sleep issues. Our kids are a huge focus of our lives and our experiences are inevitably going to be topics of conversation sometimes, but we can be mindful to move the subject matter to things non-parents can relate to as well. In fact, I find it incredibly refreshing when we hang out with our non-parent friends to talk about something other than our kids for a change. Let me stress: the burden doesn’t only fall on parents here. Non-parents can also be mindful of keeping tabs on parental issues their friends are struggling with. This just comes down to prioritizing the things you know are important to your beloved friend, and applies to any relationship, not just the parent/non-parent ones. 

Go the extra mile for each other. 

This goes equally for both parties, but will look different (see how that word keeps coming up?) I remember the moment when one couple, some of our closest friends, realized how much we had to pay a babysitter just to meet them at a bar for a drink. It had never crossed their mind that we were not only paying for $8 beers for two people, but also paying a college student $10 an hour to care for our kids at home. We were out for 4 hours, and they did the math. Since then, they’ve made an effort to come over to our house at least every other hangout so that we don’t always have to hire someone. It has not gone unappreciated or unnoticed on our end. As parents, we can return the favor by being cognizant of their needs as well. Make the effort to notice what your non-parent friends are struggling with. Does your friend have a long commute to work? Try and make a note to call them during those hours, even just once a week, to catch up. They will appreciate being prioritized and won’t mind the kids screaming in the background. Is your friend moving? It might take more planning than a non-parent, but carving out a few hours to help after your spouse gets home from work is a huge help. 

It has crossed my mind that maybe my husband and I are just lucky to have non-parent friends that also happen to be extraordinarily decent people. But at the same time, I have to give ourselves and our friends credit where it is deserved: we all put in the effort. If you find yourself doing all the things on this list and your non-parent friends aren’t doing any of them, have a conversation about it. Things may change or they may not. We may need to accept that not all friendships are strong enough to cross the divide of parenthood, and that’s ok. It’s normal for some friendships to fade as our lives change. But those friends who stick around and build bridges right alongside you? They are gold. Cherish them. I promise they are cherishing you, too.