You weren’t the first. I was a deer in headlights then. I learned so much from him.

You weren’t the second. That was like riding a bike. I felt so confident with him.

You came third, & I thought that I was so ready for you… and then out you came, wildly screaming. Just to prove me wrong, you haven’t stopped since.

I forgot how much personality a newborn can pack into that teeny tiny frame. I forgot how much lack of sleep really can turn a regular person into a real-life zombie. I forgot how many diapers a baby actually needs (hint: it’s 4 million).

Tonight, on the night of your first birthday, I am looking back & reminiscing on everything this year has taught me. On all that we’ve done together. How our family has grown, our lives have changed, & how you’ve carved a space all your own right in the middle. My heart is so swollen, I genuinely fear it might burst.

I wish I could say it was an easy year. A beautiful year. Or even just a good year. If I’m being honest though, it was really rough.

I wish I had been more patient. I wish I had savored you more. I wish I had put you down less. I wish I had nursed you more. I wish I had worried about the house less. I wish your needs didn’t often get buried by the needs of your brothers. I wish we’d done more fun things. I wish I felt less guilt about all of this. I also wish we had all taken more naps, haha.

This is about you though, & for you…I have so many wishes. I wish you the world. I wish you strength, I wish you love. I wish you health & so much growth. I wish you everything that you want and need in life and so much more.

I wish you understanding & kindness. I wish you compassion, but I also wish you a fire in your belly that no one & nothing can ever put out.

Above all, I wish you the understanding to one day see that I am trying so hard. I love you so much. And you are so amazing.

Goodnight, my little love. I wish you a happy birthday & the sweetest dreams.