When I first became a foster mom, one of the first things I learned was that we weren’t allowed to post photos of our foster kids on social media. No Facebook, no Twitter, and definitely no Instagram. 

At first, I thought this sucked. I mean, let’s be honest, a good chunk of modern motherhood is sharing mom moments on Instagram, whether they’re to the regular feed, or more and more popularly, as Stories. Diaper blowout misery? Insta Story it, get instant headpats and groans of solidarity messages. Kids driving you thoroughly nuts on the weekend and it’s not even 6AM? Insta Story the mayhem. Birthday? INSTA. STORY. EVERYTHING. Your baby is cute, darn it, and you want to share your love.

As families grow more and more isolated due to the nature of the workforce and the loss of in-person communities continues, moms rely on each other through social media; for so many of us, it’s a way to share not only the messiness of motherhood but the actual joy of it too, especially by getting to share the cuteness of our kids with others who we know will agree with us. It’s not anything particularly deep; it’s a touchstone, a way to see each other when others might not understand. 

So to have that experience wholly cut off from me felt like kiiiiiind of a bummer at first.

But now? Two and a half years into being a foster mom?

Honestly, it’s kind of good for me.

For example, I don’t really care if an experience is insta-worthy. I don’t care so much about cute outfits (I mean, I CARE, obviously, who can say no to corduroy overalls, hello) but I care far less about how things will look to followers. I don’t care so much if photos are a little blurry, off-center, not against a cute city mural or showing us frolicking joyfully or blowing bubbles at the park. This isn’t to say that I don’t take cute photos; I do, but for the most part, they end up in printed family albums…which is kind of the whole point anyway, right? And I do share some things on Insta — carefully cropped to maintain privacy, of course. But I totally post way less than I would if I had free rein.  

The whole point of not posting the photos that give away his identity is to maintain privacy during a sensitive experience. But the more I think about it, the more I find myself posting more not-so-easily-identified photos of my biological daughter as a result, because the idea of maintaining her privacy when she’s not old enough to consent to what it *means* to be full online is a thing I think is valuable to consider. 

It started out as a rule I had to follow, but now as my kids get older, I find myself just falling back to it as the default anyway. And it’s making me a better mom and person, I think, because even if I DO decide to post a photo of my daughter, I’m thinking about the larger picture. No matter how you decide to curate your online photos of your kids and their lives, I think the topic is one worth considering. What would you do if you HAD to follow a certain rule, like foster parents do. Could you do it? Would you do it? And why?