My first experience with mom-shaming came from a family friend who had invited us over for dinner when I was pregnant with my first child. We didn’t realize we were walking into a (well-intentioned) trap of unwanted advice and horror stories of pregnancy and birth. When she heard I was planning on having an unmedicated birth, she laughed dismissively and told me I was naive, “had no idea” and I’d be “begging for the epidural”. I was crushed, humiliated, and started doubting my own abilities when I hadn’t before. Spoiler: I did end up accomplishing my unmedicated birth, but what if I hadn’t? That would have been perfectly fine as well, but imagine how that negativity and shaming from her would have poisoned my memory of the experience? 

A few years later I was visiting a friend who has just had a baby, and she posted a picture of her child sleeping in his car seat. She had already started unbuckling him before she stopped midway to take a picture of her adorable, sleeping son. She then finished removing him from his seat and, without a worry, posted the adorable picture to Facebook. While we sat sipping our coffee and chatting, her phone started dinging. And dinging and dinging and dinging. Her picture was blowing up with comments of people mom-shaming her for not properly restraining her son. This of course wasn’t what happened, but by the time she had a chance to explain, the damage was done. The things people said were shockingly unkind. It was awful to see her hold back mortified tears over a cute photo. In an instant, what was a fun playdate with a friend turned into a battle to reclaim her self-confidence as a mother. 

Every year, sometimes every day it seems, there is some new study to tell us how we’re doing everything wrong. We are under constant scrutiny due to the ever-changing “rules” of parenting. Should we all grow thicker skin and be less sensitive to criticism? Sure, that’s always a helpful skill to work on. A better question: should we have to? We can’t control everyone, but what if we, as moms, closed ranks and became a safe haven of non-judgmental support for each other? Sometimes us moms are the worst mom-shamers of all. Let’s change that with some rules of engagement:

1. Be Kind

Even when you feel compelled to correct someone for a legitimate safety concern, it’s important to remember that there is always a way to say it with kindness. First of all, because we are adults and we should know how to behave like civilized people by now. Second of all, because we are adults and we should know how to behave like civilized people by now. Life is a lot nicer when you operate with the assumption that everyone is doing the best they can. 

2. Give It Time

We are not slaves to our emotions. If you have a strong knee-jerk reaction to something you see another mom do (especially online), that’s fine and normal. But first, ride out the initial wave. We don’t make good decisions when we’re upset. Science has proven this. Our thoughts are much more coherent and rational when we are in a better mood. If, after cooling off, you still feel like you need to engage, go back to rule number one and tread lightly. 

3. Don’t Assume You Know. 

Always entertain the possibility that you don’t actually know the whole story. Think of my friend and her infamous facebook photo. On a more severe note, let me take you back to my personal induction into mom-shaming. What our dinner hostess didn’t know was that my motivation behind wanting an unmedicated birth was that, as a sexual assault survivor, the idea of being out of control of my own body (with medication or an epidural) was more terrifying to me than any pain involved in childbirth. My plan was well thought-out, researched, and encouraged by my doctor, my husband, and my psychiatrist. “She couldn’t have known that, though.” Sure, but what if she had given me the space to make a decision different from hers without mocking me? Or moreso, what if she encouraged and supported me? Everyone is carrying something that we can’t see. Don’t add more weight. 

4. Look In The Mirror

Lastly, the first place to stop with this mom-shaming business is with ourselves. First, by remembering that no one is perfect. Thank goodness I don’t have people rummaging through my entire parenting history. I’ve made so many mistakes! Give people the grace to make a mistake once in a while without escalating it to catastrophic levels. When this happens, see rules 1 through 3. Hurting someone else is never going to make your day better, but being kind might. 

We can’t do this alone. We need each other! I’ve got your back. Can you get mine, too?