Dearest reader,

I have a confession: I may look like a granola mom. I may stand in line at the health nut trendy organic grocery store where all the men have goatees with bells and ribbons braided into them like festival goats, and all the women have septum piercings and tattoos way cooler than mine, specifically holding granola. I may encourage my children to “go play outside” and limit screen time and do things like go on nature walks.

And in my house, we eat like crap.

I mean some nights, there might be a vegetable like…in the house. Somewhere. Maybe in the crisper drawer in the fridge? But don’t poke around in there, it’s a scary world of soggy greens gone forgotten and carrots we grew but have yet to wash and do anything with. And I’m going to be honest: I do not feel great about the fact that some nights, I’m pretty sure all my child will eat is going to be a mouthful of god-knows-what-this-is-made-of (no seriously god knows, we all know, we alllllll know the horror origin stories) hotdog slathered in syrupy sweet ketchup. 

I breastfed my daughter so she would get the best thing my body could offer her and now I’m like, well, we’re done with that, have a…bowl of fake cheese noodles! Nature’s…uh….second best?

But look.  Here’s the thing.  We all need to live, and much like leading a horse to water but being unable to make them drink, you can lead a kid to good food but you can’t make them eat. This is what I have discovered in trying to feed two young children.  So here, in no particular order, I am offering you an exclusive peek at the various food sins I have committed lately, not so much as a confession, I suppose, than a revealing of the truth that I think many of us live in our day to day lives; that sometimes, we have to do what works. 

So now, please enjoy my list of food crimes, and don’t send the cops to my house; I hear they don’t handle chicken nugget crimes, something about “out of their jurisdiction.” 

• Bribed my son at 7AM with a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup if he would sit still so I could do his hair
• Fed my kids Blue Box Mac and Cheese twice in the same week
• My husband fed the kids candy at 5PM as a “snack” and surprise, they did not eat dinner (I take no responsibility for this!! But I just wanted to prove it’s not just me making poor decisions around here!)
• They begged for a slice of lemon pound cake from Starbucks and I relented
• I allowed dessert even though they didn’t finish everything on their plate
• Somehow “Baby Shark O’s” is a cereal that is in my house now
• I got the lettuce out of the fridge to make salad, but they were full from the first course I threw to them like lions in the zoo and it was a total waste, but they were begging for food so I caved and let them start before I was done making the salad and yeah, apparently they played me like a fiddle there.

So if you, too, have committed some food crimes lately, fear not. At least you’re in good company. Maybe you want to join us for Thanksgiving! I think we’re going to maybe, just maybe, cook a vegetable.

Maybe.