By the time this post goes up, the election will be over and we will have been relieved the of incessant, unending, unnerving, horrible, inaccurate (on all sides) political ads.  Praise the Lord!  I don’t believe in trying to change people’s minds on political issues.  I think we’re lucky to live in a country where we’re all afforded the right to have our own opinions and I’m not so naïve as to think that something I say will change anyone else’s mind.  That’s why I don’t write about politics.  Instead, I write about my kids.  Because kids are, even at their worst moments, better than any political candidate.  Plus, when they’re little they can’t even talk and that’s a real virtue, if you ask me.

What is the point of all this political nonsense?  Good question.  When Baby #1 was born, I had nothing to do but obsess over her every second of every day.  I not only kept track of her age in terms of weeks and months but also, apparently, I kept track of the days.  I came across something I wrote when she was 100 days old.  I called it her “100 Day Speech”.  In more recent times, when I go to the pharmacy to pick up fluoride supplements for the kids (because the water here doesn’t have fluoride in it but let’s not get started on that) and they ask me to confirm one of the kids birthdays, I generally stare blankly at the pharmacy technician, slightly panicked because I can’t remember which month and day combination goes with which kid.  And yet there was a time when I not only knew that Baby #1 was exactly 100 days old but then had the fortitude and desire to write about it.  My how things have changed.

Given the charged political atmosphere these days, it seems like something more light-hearted might be welcomed.  So here you have it.

Baby #1’s 100 Day Speech

Baby #1 feels as though her first hundred days were a great success.  Although it took almost all of her time and energy, she has trained her parents to a point where she feels comfortable that they are at least mildly competent in child care. At first they were a pair of bumbling buffoons (she would like to point out here and now that on her first night at home from the hospital, they went to bed without any plan at all as to how to survive the night) and while the road was long and arduous, she feels confident that she has made great strides in teaching them to properly respond to her very demand.

The grandparents were not as difficult to train.  She knows this is due to the fact that their own children put in the bulk of the effort in breaking their wills many years ago. Despite the fact that they are very old, the grandparents quickly remembered the ins and outs of baby care and were able to assist her in teaching her parents what the heck they were supposed to be doing. Additionally, the grandparents were willing and eager to spoil Baby #1 to the level she desired. In the beginning she had to rely solely on the fact that she was the first grandbaby which worked well but around the sixty day mark, she realized that she could simply flashed her heart-melting smile in their direction and they would quickly respond by doing whatever it is she wanted.

Her personal accomplishments in the first hundred days are far too numerous to list. Some of the highlights of which she is particularly proud include holding her head up, standing (although she didn’t work at all on balance during this time period), a few massive diaper blowouts (the more items needing to laundered as a result of the blowout, the better. If the parents have to change their clothes in addition to the baby’s clothes, it’s an added bonus), smiling (this is an especially critical skill when it comes to getting the adults to do what you want), never keeping any socks on her feet for any reason whatsoever, and being able to stuff her entire fist into her mouth.  As a sign of good will, she has agreed to let her parents sleep most nights without interruption.  She hangs this over their heads and has, on occasion, threatened to remove this luxury if they don’t stay in line.

Baby #1 began her first hundred days weighing in at just over seven pounds. As an indication that things went well for her, she is leaving the time period nearly five pounds heavier. She did not manage to grow much more hair during this time but hey, at least she still has enough hair to make her mother jealous.

All in all, Baby #1 considers her first hundred days in office to have been a resounding success. She thanks everyone who contributed to this success, most notably her pets – Big Ralph, Fat Sam and Beer Can (the pet formerly known as Spider). Before her arrival they worked endlessly on wearing down her parents, an effort for which Baby #1 is eternally grateful.

Baby #1 looks forward to her continued term as only child in the house and only grandchild on both sides of the family.  She is confident that the grown ups will continue to bend to her will at every turn and she will be able to continue her tenure as benevolent dictator throughout the rest of 2010 and into 2011.