Broaching the subject of miscarriage is difficult, but, let’s do it anyway. Miscarriage at any stage is devastating and my heart goes out to all mamas that have had this experience. I grieve with you.
I’ve had three miscarriages and each one has brought about a different set of emotions. However, there has always been one constant. Blaming questions. Was I getting enough sleep? Was I eating the right foods? Could it have been the heavy object that I lifted? Was I allowing myself to let the stress of life get to me? In the end, it’s not helpful, but my mind always goes there.
And then there is the looming question: Will I ever get pregnant again, and if so, will I be ready physically and emotionally?
After one particularly painful loss, I made the choice to be grateful for the family that God had given to me on earth. I realized that my entire family was impacted, heartbroken, and grieving right alongside me. My husband and children were so sad and witnessing their pain was agonizing. It was then that I made the decision to be grateful for all of the precious lives that I had been entrusted with, even if I never became pregnant again.
So, I was surprised when, very soon after that loss, I became pregnant. I experienced an intense mix of emotions. Denial. Fear. Anxiety, Sadness. Joy? Excitement? Relief? I didn’t know if I was ready mentally. I wondered if my body could handle carrying a child full term. I didn’t know if I could handle losing another child.
I couldn’t bring myself to take the pregnancy test or to tell anyone. Truth be told, I took a pregnancy test almost two weeks after I suspected I was pregnant, just to be sure it wasn’t something else that might need the attention of a doctor. I really wanted to share the news with my husband like I always do, but something was holding me back. What was it? Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever experienced having the words on the tip of your tongue, but having this intense pressure that prevents you from uttering them?
I journaled for days and weeks to process what I was feeling. I journaled about feeling the need to keep it to myself. I journaled about my fears. I journaled about my hopes. I journaled and asked God for peace of mind. I journaled about missing my unborn son. I wrote about my fear of becoming attached. I wrote about wanting to tell my husband, but not feeling like I was ready. These were all very new emotions for me surrounding pregnancy. Was I going crazy?
Thankfully, I wasn’t. After doing some research, I was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief to know that I was not alone. May women who experience pregnancy after miscarriage prefer to keep it to themselves or only share it with a small group. If you have done this, know that what you are feeling is common. The rollercoaster of emotions is valid.
Finding a way to process what you are feeling is key. What does that look like for you? For me, journaling was the best way for me to process what I was feeling. After a couple of weeks of mental ping-pong, I was able to share the news happily and confidently with my husband. And many more weeks later, we shared it with a few close friends and family members. Other than that, we let my belly do the talking. That was where we were comfortable. If you’ve experienced pregnancy after miscarriage, did you share the news or keep it to yourself?
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