Being a new mom is hard.

It starts with enduring childbirth, which, unless you’re one of those orgasmic birthers, isn’t exactly a walk in the park. Next up? Dealing with the expectation to promptly recover postpartum. Yes, my peri-bottle and I will be back at the office by Monday. No problem. Then people start coming to visit. And talk. And then talk some more about all the things you should and shouldn’t be doing with your baby. Is the advice you’re receiving helpful? Evidence-based? Safe? Who knows! You’re sleep-deprived, and your uterus is still contracting. You don’t even know when the last time you showered was, let alone if adding rice cereal to your newborn’s bottle is a good idea (its not.)

Look. I’m not saying that giving or receiving advice is bad. Not at all. Well-intentioned advice is like planting a seed, then stepping back and letting it decide if it’s willing to bloom. It’s autonomous, non-invasive, and how flowers grow. But the act of insisting upon a new mom to parent your way? That’s not helpful or supportive.

Disclaimer: I’m not talking about safety measures like proper car seat usage, safe sleep habits, and when to introduce solids. For the sake of keeping our babies safe, feel free to shout your science-based knowledge from the rooftops. 

But for the purpose of this article, I’m talking about the non-negligible stuff that every mom does differently. Swaddles, sleep-suits, cloth diapers, swings, wipe warmers, gripe water, feeding positions, and holy moly does the list goes on. But here’s the thing. New moms don’t learn how to parent by being told how to parent; there is a much more intimate process that needs to take place. She needs to learn how to care for her baby, and more importantly, she needs to learn how to trust her decision-making process. And even as experienced parents with infinite wisdom and well-intentioned advice, it’s still our job to step back honor that process.

She Needs To Experience Trial And Error

Sometimes, discovering what doesn’t work for a baby is just as important as figuring out what does. So it’s okay if you fail at swaddling the first ten attempts. In fact, don’t look at it as a failure at all; you just learned ten different ways not to swaddle your baby. As easy and helpful as it might be for someone more experienced to step in and take control of the situation, new moms need to be given the space and patience to figure out what works for her and her new family. 

She Is Learning How To Trust Her Intuition

Have you ever been surrounded by so many voices that you couldn’t hear yourself think? This sentiment is especially true for motherhood, in more ways than one. If people continuously interject with how and why things should be done a certain way, the new mom will never be able to tap into her intuition. We need to make space and support all new mothers in learning how to feel confident making decisions, encourage her to follow her instincts, and remind her to trust her gut. 

She Wants To See That You Trust Her Decisions

When people continuously insert themselves in situations they perceive as a new mom needing help, it often sends the subliminal message that you don’t trust her ability to make decisions and parent her kids. Usually, this sentiment is subconscious and not ill-intended, but can still be damaging nonetheless. Instead of jumping into every situation, you compute as her needing guidance, sit back, and compliment her on what a fantastic job she’s doing. Unless, of course, she asks for help. In which case, please and thank you. We’re so glad you’re here.